(no subject)
Jan. 27th, 2014 01:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pinkrainI'm here. updating. i can't sleep.
I'm alive, and I want to cry. My memories are eating me alive. I'm older. And I'm still this fucking fucked up way. I want to cry tonight, because I feel so lost. I am really scared I am losing my life.
I have to keep being strong, and hide it. And I can say that here because IDK if anyone else even sees this anymore. ok.
It doesn't matter. I am just being strong. Or trying. Holding onto little things like the facts that I cannot go. I have to try. I don't want to be weak. Or pathetic. Or seeing as 'Yup I knew it, she wouldn't make it'. I'm too old to not be okay. Why can't i 'just be okay.' - ? I see life moving around me. Swirling swinging, dancing-- all these things and I tell myself this is it. This is my year. I don't get another one. And I do and I think I've chanced it. I've done it and i will keep going as I am. I am waiting for myself to stop. I get scared. I get worried that I am just making myself comfortable until ... well, I die.
But I don't WANT that. So why isn't it easier than this? Why can't I just do it.
Are you there, stars?
I'm alive, and I want to cry. My memories are eating me alive. I'm older. And I'm still this fucking fucked up way. I want to cry tonight, because I feel so lost. I am really scared I am losing my life.
I have to keep being strong, and hide it. And I can say that here because IDK if anyone else even sees this anymore. ok.
It doesn't matter. I am just being strong. Or trying. Holding onto little things like the facts that I cannot go. I have to try. I don't want to be weak. Or pathetic. Or seeing as 'Yup I knew it, she wouldn't make it'. I'm too old to not be okay. Why can't i 'just be okay.' - ? I see life moving around me. Swirling swinging, dancing-- all these things and I tell myself this is it. This is my year. I don't get another one. And I do and I think I've chanced it. I've done it and i will keep going as I am. I am waiting for myself to stop. I get scared. I get worried that I am just making myself comfortable until ... well, I die.
But I don't WANT that. So why isn't it easier than this? Why can't I just do it.
Are you there, stars?
