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Jan. 27th, 2014 01:20 amI'm here. updating. i can't sleep.
I'm alive, and I want to cry. My memories are eating me alive. I'm older. And I'm still this fucking fucked up way. I want to cry tonight, because I feel so lost. I am really scared I am losing my life.
I have to keep being strong, and hide it. And I can say that here because IDK if anyone else even sees this anymore. ok.
It doesn't matter. I am just being strong. Or trying. Holding onto little things like the facts that I cannot go. I have to try. I don't want to be weak. Or pathetic. Or seeing as 'Yup I knew it, she wouldn't make it'. I'm too old to not be okay. Why can't i 'just be okay.' - ? I see life moving around me. Swirling swinging, dancing-- all these things and I tell myself this is it. This is my year. I don't get another one. And I do and I think I've chanced it. I've done it and i will keep going as I am. I am waiting for myself to stop. I get scared. I get worried that I am just making myself comfortable until ... well, I die.
But I don't WANT that. So why isn't it easier than this? Why can't I just do it.
Are you there, stars?
I'm alive, and I want to cry. My memories are eating me alive. I'm older. And I'm still this fucking fucked up way. I want to cry tonight, because I feel so lost. I am really scared I am losing my life.
I have to keep being strong, and hide it. And I can say that here because IDK if anyone else even sees this anymore. ok.
It doesn't matter. I am just being strong. Or trying. Holding onto little things like the facts that I cannot go. I have to try. I don't want to be weak. Or pathetic. Or seeing as 'Yup I knew it, she wouldn't make it'. I'm too old to not be okay. Why can't i 'just be okay.' - ? I see life moving around me. Swirling swinging, dancing-- all these things and I tell myself this is it. This is my year. I don't get another one. And I do and I think I've chanced it. I've done it and i will keep going as I am. I am waiting for myself to stop. I get scared. I get worried that I am just making myself comfortable until ... well, I die.
But I don't WANT that. So why isn't it easier than this? Why can't I just do it.
Are you there, stars?
(no subject)
Jun. 2nd, 2012 12:32 pm((this said, I really don't like any of this DW layouts... and have no idea how to make mine 'cute'. Ugh))
Comes the sun ♥
Jun. 2nd, 2012 12:28 pmI never ... I don't think made a mention of this here, and if I did it's been long since forgotten (probably by myself and others) that Ushayo is moving to MD on June 20th -- and yes! that's NINETEEN-19-DAYS AWAY. I don't think I can even believe it myself.
No more trips to Ohio. No more being apart. Maybe 30 minutes MAX until I move in as well. I cannot I CANNOT believe it.
And so I realize I made this update... back in January. But now the dates are SOLID proof. Me, Riley, and Mac are going to Ohio on June 20th, and will finally finally close and open as well something new. How can I not think back to how we met, where we met, where our lives were. Everything, everything.
I'm dreaming, aren't I? Maybe my whole life, just one big dream. One dream after another. I'm not sure. My struggles are real-- is the love, as well?
I lost my cat who was like my best friend. My sister has been spending the last week moping as if it is her loss and her loss only and refuses to believe that he was old, and liked anyone other than her -- despite spending zero time with him in the past couple of years.
Different story.
I feel like my world is spinning up and down and sideways-bothways. I'm not sure where I'm going or what I say and do anymore.
But I do know that my health is going to be okay for now. Doctor's visits were most of April, so it feels like, and after finding out what my problems were and what I can do to help them, things have been a little better. Potassium to be taken daily, multiple times a day and because of that, my sleep is much better- my kidneys are doing better as well. No more pain. I'm trying so many things because I'm scared to jump into fire. I suppose saying that is silly, since I live in the fire from the outside.
Okay okay. Don't pay any attention to this entry except the first half. Ushayo is coming home. In nineteen days.
No more trips to Ohio. No more being apart. Maybe 30 minutes MAX until I move in as well. I cannot I CANNOT believe it.
And so I realize I made this update... back in January. But now the dates are SOLID proof. Me, Riley, and Mac are going to Ohio on June 20th, and will finally finally close and open as well something new. How can I not think back to how we met, where we met, where our lives were. Everything, everything.
I'm dreaming, aren't I? Maybe my whole life, just one big dream. One dream after another. I'm not sure. My struggles are real-- is the love, as well?
I lost my cat who was like my best friend. My sister has been spending the last week moping as if it is her loss and her loss only and refuses to believe that he was old, and liked anyone other than her -- despite spending zero time with him in the past couple of years.
Different story.
I feel like my world is spinning up and down and sideways-bothways. I'm not sure where I'm going or what I say and do anymore.
But I do know that my health is going to be okay for now. Doctor's visits were most of April, so it feels like, and after finding out what my problems were and what I can do to help them, things have been a little better. Potassium to be taken daily, multiple times a day and because of that, my sleep is much better- my kidneys are doing better as well. No more pain. I'm trying so many things because I'm scared to jump into fire. I suppose saying that is silly, since I live in the fire from the outside.
Okay okay. Don't pay any attention to this entry except the first half. Ushayo is coming home. In nineteen days.
Also -- DREAMWIDTH
Mar. 31st, 2012 01:21 amhttp://pinkrain.dreamwidth.org/
it will be linked with this Journal. please add if you want/whatever. I'll add you back there as well - I don't want to lose anyone because of this stupid journal move stuff :( I need everyone in my life please.
it will be linked with this Journal. please add if you want/whatever. I'll add you back there as well - I don't want to lose anyone because of this stupid journal move stuff :( I need everyone in my life please.
Leave me an anonymous comment pouring your heart out. Say anything. Tell me your stories, your secrets, those things no one ever asks but you wish to tell. Tell me about your love, your hate, your indifference, your joy. Tell me about what's inside of you when you're reading through these entries on your friends list, and tell me why you continue to come back here. Tell me anything. Tell me what you really think of me or yourself. Anything.
Post anonymously [by selecting the anonymous box]. Speak honestly, because there isn't any censure here. Post as many times as you like. One faceless wonder to another. You don't have to be on my friends list. You can just be stopping through. It doesn't matter.
secrets secrets leave them here ♥
Post anonymously [by selecting the anonymous box]. Speak honestly, because there isn't any censure here. Post as many times as you like. One faceless wonder to another. You don't have to be on my friends list. You can just be stopping through. It doesn't matter.
secrets secrets leave them here ♥
Distracting from life.
Sep. 27th, 2009 10:50 pmbecause talking about my day / whats in my head / everything else today?
isn't going to happen. So... this is me being shameless...?
isn't going to happen. So... this is me being shameless...?
pointless | meme
May. 1st, 2009 01:42 pmtoday is unsaveable I think. We'll see at 8-tonight.
Meme love? Doubtful.
hope you all are feeling better than myself.
[again again because I love these posts ): Not Screened. All Anon this time.]
I DO NOT TRACK THE IP.
Leave me an anonymous comment pouring your heart out. Say anything. Tell me your stories, your secrets, those things no one ever asks but you wish to tell. Tell me about your love, your hate, your indifference, your joy. Tell me about what's inside of you when you're reading through these entries on your friends list, and tell me why you continue to come back here. Tell me anything. Tell me what you really think of me or yourself. Anything.
Post anonymously [by selecting the anonymous box]. Speak honestly, because there isn't any censure here. Post as many times as you like. One faceless wonder to another. You don't have to be on my friends list. You can just be stopping through. It doesn't matter.
[what happens here. stays here (:]
I DO NOT TRACK THE IP.
Leave me an anonymous comment pouring your heart out. Say anything. Tell me your stories, your secrets, those things no one ever asks but you wish to tell. Tell me about your love, your hate, your indifference, your joy. Tell me about what's inside of you when you're reading through these entries on your friends list, and tell me why you continue to come back here. Tell me anything. Tell me what you really think of me or yourself. Anything.
Post anonymously [by selecting the anonymous box]. Speak honestly, because there isn't any censure here. Post as many times as you like. One faceless wonder to another. You don't have to be on my friends list. You can just be stopping through. It doesn't matter.
[what happens here. stays here (:]
YouRemindMe
Apr. 11th, 2009 07:58 am♥♥♥~?
Yum. Had nightmares all night long and failed to sleep of course. Boh. Work Time~
[gaming//'networking']
Jan. 13th, 2009 03:48 amHAY. Hey guys. PS3, DS name/codes are here. Give me Yours (:
ps3 username: pinkxrain
[add me or tell me who you are ;)]
not sure how many bitches of mine have a ps3, but i know a good few of you do - and i already have some of ya. give it ta me again plz?
pokemon diamond FriendCode: 1547-3630-3136
i'll add some more as I find 'em out... I haven't been too into my Friend Codes since I couldn't connect before :P\
ps3 username: pinkxrain
[add me or tell me who you are ;)]
not sure how many bitches of mine have a ps3, but i know a good few of you do - and i already have some of ya. give it ta me again plz?
pokemon diamond FriendCode: 1547-3630-3136
i'll add some more as I find 'em out... I haven't been too into my Friend Codes since I couldn't connect before :P\
Round 2: anonymity ((or not XD))
Dec. 26th, 2008 07:33 pm((All comments screened))
Recite. Speak. Anything.
You can post poems, lyrics, tell a secret, tell a not!secret.
It can be role play related, life related, anything.
Anon or username.
hell you can post as a character (one might even talk back).
I won't answer if you don't want. Sometimes people don't want a voice back.
I figured I would do this every so many months just for anyone that would like to take advantage of it.
Sometimes we just need a place to go. Will you use it? i hope you do.
Recite. Speak. Anything.
You can post poems, lyrics, tell a secret, tell a not!secret.
It can be role play related, life related, anything.
Anon or username.
hell you can post as a character (one might even talk back).
I won't answer if you don't want. Sometimes people don't want a voice back.
I figured I would do this every so many months just for anyone that would like to take advantage of it.
Sometimes we just need a place to go. Will you use it? i hope you do.
something for you guys <3 i just seemed kinda neat to do; and its been on my mind - i don't know why. a lot of certain people on my FL have been a huge part of me lately ; And I hope you know who you are.
We all have secrets, or something about us that's quirky that we don't always just out-and-share.
But I feel like everyone also needs an outlet somehow. A non-biased party that is there to simply hear ♥
Have anything you want to share? Anger, love, sadness, grief? Anything goes.
You can post as much as you want, anonymously or not. Comments will be screened in case you don't want to post Anon.
<3
We all have secrets, or something about us that's quirky that we don't always just out-and-share.
But I feel like everyone also needs an outlet somehow. A non-biased party that is there to simply hear ♥
Have anything you want to share? Anger, love, sadness, grief? Anything goes.
You can post as much as you want, anonymously or not. Comments will be screened in case you don't want to post Anon.
<3